How do we know if we have found the right guru?

Question: I am experiencing something funny going on with the guru I have just begun studying with. I don’t know what it is but I don’t feel right about him. I keep wanting to break from him and he keeps telling me that I should persevere. But I am not sure. I feel I have given him too much power over my life, and that’s not good, but on the other hand, I know one is supposed to surrender to a guru, so I am confused. What should I do?

Serge’s advice
This is a challenging issue. Sometimes feeling bad about a teacher is a sign that something is not right with them and one should move away. You say he is your guru. Is he an established spiritual Master or is he simply a charismatic leader of some particular sect? That is an important question you need to ask yourself. So beware, there are a lot of rascally so-called sages out there treading the spiritual highway!

If he is an established Master and if he is authentic as a teacher, it may simply be that he is not for you. (We are all on different paths and therefore need different teachers and teachings, and he may just not be ‘your teacher’) However, sometimes, the urge to move away may not be because the teacher is rascally or not right, It may be because he is right and the power of his presence is simply bringing up something very big for us that really needs exploring and that makes us feel uncomfortable. So instead of looking at the mole in our own eye, we make our teacher into the ‘baddie’!

What I suggest you do first of all is not see this issue as a problem but more as a spiritual challenge asking you to develop your powers of discernment. And to tune into the discerning part of you, I suggest you take time to tune into a quiet space inside yourself and begin to connect with your deeper being – or with your own inner guru – for there is a part inside all of us that knows the answer to all these kinds of questions. You might close your eyes and ask that part of yourself that is wise to come forward and reveal itself.


Questions you could then ask yourself about your teacher could include:

• Do you feel he is authentic and wants the best for you?
• Do you feel he sees you deeply? 
• Do you feel empowered in his presence? 
• Do you feel your life has advanced since you have been with him?

If the answer to these issues is predominantly a ‘yes’, then you may well be avoiding something. If so, wrestle with yourself and see what that thing is. If the answer is mainly no, then there may be a lot in what you feel and you might well be wise to move away. Simply because a teacher asks you to surrender to him, does not mean you should also give up your discernment. I also recommend that you buy that spiritual classic, The Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda as that deals beautifully with the whole guru/student relationship.

If we have issues, when should we seek the support of a Psychotherapist and when should we ask a Spiritual Master to help us?

Question: 'I have a big emotional problem that is really interfering with my life and that seems to be getting worse as I grow up. As I feel I am a spiritual person, should I find  a Spiritual Teacher to take it to ( in Yogananda's Autobiography of a Yogi, he says that their role is to eat up their devotee's karma!), or should I try and work it through with a Psychotherapist?

Serge. This is a very interesting question and it asks us to be clear about the different functions of the Guru and  the Psychotherapist. Basically we could say that  they address different levels of the psyche:  most spiritual masters  aren't so interested in our 'personal life' - whether we enjoy good sex or have healthy relationships, feel happy - all that stuff - but are more concerned with our spiritual or impersonal life - how close to God we are able to come. 

In a similar way, the aim of most psychotherapists is primarily to focus on our personal lives, on  what is 'wrong' with our personalities . As a generality, one  could say that the aim of the guru is to help us be better and  that of the therapist to help us feel better!

However,  many changes  are beginning to take place. Today, many Spiritual Masters are learning much more about the world of psychology and  are increasingly coming to recognise, for example, that if a devotee is still angry with their personal father, that this is bound to contaminate how they see their 'Heavenly Father'. In a similar vein,   many Psychotherapists are  also realising that many emotional wounds may only be properly healed if that person also recognises the  importance of honouring the spiritual dimensions of their lives. So the issue is not so much, an either/or one.

However, given the fact that at present you don't seem to have a Spiritual Master and that what you say about their eating up one's karma, only happens  rarely and only if the master is pretty enlightened and  only if you have been a disciple for a long time, I would say you were better off to go to a spiritually-oriented Psychotherapist who will be able to work with you in such a way as to link your emotional problem with your spiritual development and  perhaps help you see that far from it being an obstacle,  it  may actually be  an integral part of what you need to work through in your journey to come closer to who you are.

This does not mean that you do not continue doing whatever spiritual practices you might be doing at present, such as meditation, but do not necessarily think that meditation alone will  solve your problem. As this whole area  is the field in which I work, you can ring or email me and I might be able to advise you of someone who might help you, who lives in your area.

Many relationships fail because people hold naïve expectations about them or  feel they should be easy and that one shouldn’t need to ‘work’ at them.  I do my best to remind people that these  notions are myths and so try and help them work at their relationships together.

• Individual Soul-based Psychotherapy and Coaching
• Couples Soul-based Psychotherapy
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