WHAT TO DO WHEN MEDITATION DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK FOR US

Question: 'I find my thoughts are forever leading me this way and that. I have tried a number of Buddhist practices to try and calm my mind, but none of them seem to work for me. Do you have any suggestions as I often give myself headaches and insomnia with these never ending trains of thought.'

Serge. It is often difficult to answer a question , without having more data about a person . So all I can go by is the  specific things you say: firstly, that no practices seem to work for you, and secondly, that your mind is so 'monkey-fied' (  Buddhists  describe our restless mind as 'monkey mind'  as it is always jumping all over the place) that you get stressed to the point of not sleeping! So OK, here is my response.

Often we blame methods or are critical towards spiritual practices, either because we don't do them properly or  we are not ready for them and so cannot do them, or conversely, we don't get instructed properly. (My first yoga teacher was terrible and so I felt I could never do yoga!) Also,  meditation is not for all of us.  In addition, we feel that  spiritual practices ought to be easy and that we should 'get it' at once. Practices aren't like that.  They need a lot of discipline and a lot of determination. And Meditation is not easy.  Not if we want to learn to do it properly. Our ego self that is so attached to keeping us  restless  -  as it won't have the same control over us if we  start to quieten down - will do anything to try to stop us doing things to  help us become more peaceful. In fact ,our whole dysfunctional system of  power politics, big business,  large multi-national  drug companies -  all that corruption -  it all survives through our minds remaining unquiet.  

Unquiet minds lead to war and  the system needs war to sell  its weapons and  so not go bankrupt. ( Isn't that insane?  Our planet holds itself together by producing the very things that will blast it apart!) In a nutshell, unquiet minds lead to  all our  many dysfunctional behaviours that so many of us are so addicted to.  Indeed, we swim in this drama every day and because it constitutes such a large part of our reality, we often think there is nothing else. My point is that there are all sorts of forces  out there in the world, geared to making us  remain in higgledy piggledy  states and not  be moved to do anything to try to  move beyond them.

So these could be some of the reasons why  Buddhist practices may not  work for you.  The fault is  certainly not with the practice. They have been passed down through many traditions, and if we can do them and are ready and able to do them, they  certainly work.  It also greatly helps if we find ourselves a good teacher. Have you  done that ? And do  you persevere? Are you committed? Do you put as much energy and attention into your inner work as to your outer work? These are all questions to ask yourself.

The other question that is important, is to inquire if you are ready for meditation? Not everyone is.  Not necessarily because one is not evolved enough, but  because one may be carrying a lot of emotional junk that needs clearing out first of all. Put simply, Meditation is not a panacea for all of our discontents.   Nor is it a substitute for psychotherapy.  It may help bring up  hidden emotions from the depths of our unconscious, but it may not  necessarily help us to heal them. So if, say, we are  still very angry with our parents;  if we will have been traumatised in some way,  or if we have certain kinds of personality disorders,  any of these things  can make us feel  very disconbobulated and resistant to meditation . Indeed, it may not be what we need in order to feel more peaceful.

The East and the West represent two different approaches to healing and self development.  In the East , we learn to heal ourselves through expanding our awareness and developing  greater insight into what is. This is the way of Meditation.  In the West,  on the other hand,  our focus is more on the power of investigating.  So if  something is  making us feel  very anxious, it may be that we will initially need to  adopt a Western approach and explore what is going on with us emotionally, and 'go into' the painful feelings, and in this way try to release them. Many of us are not yet ready for  deep, insightful, meditative work  until we have completed quite a lot of investigative work first. 

And perhaps this is what you need. I would be happy if you wanted to ring me and we might talk this issue over. I am now doing a lot of sessions with people using SKYPE and we could do a session that could help you see what your real issue is. I think that if  we can see our issues clearly, then we are much better placed to handle them.  One of the arts of being on a spiritual path is   being able to stand back and observe ourselves and so sense what is right for us at any time or what  it is we  really need. 

Often, what may be helpful at one stage of our development, can be counter productive when we move into a new phase.  So it just may be that  Buddhist Meditation is not what you need at this moment and may be exactly what you need later, when you will have  first investigated what it is that seems to be blocking your ability to feel  emotionally at peace.


Individual Soul-based Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychotherapy for body and soul, counseling via skype for depression, anxiety and relationship problems, life coaching, training and treatment.

How do we deal with Depression?

Question. I am always depressed. What should I do?

Serge. Depression is a terribly debilitating condition and let me offer you all my sympathy. It makes us feel bad about ourselves; it  makes us dislike ourselves  and live in a world where the glass is always half empty. It  also often compells us to hide away from life and is one of the reasons why some people drink a lot, or take drugs - just to deaden the pain. That said, there are many different kinds of depression and  I don't know what yours fits into. 

Basically,  I see depression  as falling into five main categories.

1. The first category  is what we call   a 'clinical depression' , which is the result of some faulty wiring somewhere in our brain (usually due to something having gone wrong in our early childhood).  This can verge from our experiencing a continual low grade despair, to feeling especially 'sad' when  the sunlight goes, to having a serious depressive illness such as bipolar disorder.

2. The second kind is the result of painful things happening to us in our lives, such as a big financial loss, being made redundant or losing a loved one. 

3. The third kind  is how we feel if we never bother to do anything remotely meaningful in our lives, that is, if we just live on benefits  and never try to find work and  live like the Royle family, gawping at the television all day, or seeing how much more we can  dishonestly wheedle  out of the system. 

4. The fourth kind is  how we feel if we live a totally topsy turvy  and destructive and violent kind of life, where we treat others disdainfully, overeat, never do exercise, earn our living drug dealing or selling arms! 

5. The last kind of depression is a natural part of what happens to us at certain phases of  our spiritual journey and is not pathological, but is the result of a more spiritual part of ourselves beginning to awaken. If we go into a 'Dark Night of the Soul' crisis, for example, we  may enter a very despairing and bereft place inside ourselves, and come face to face with our many shortcomings  and  get to see all those  negative parts of ourselves which, up until now,  we have not wanted to see ( and have probably projected out onto others) in order that we can now work on them.  I have written a long article about this called 'The spiritual path as  a tough and beautiful journey.

Sometimes, these different depressions collude together and the reason why we spend all day doing nothing is because we are too  clinically depressed to do anything. Sometimes, loafing around all day  or living a violent kind of life, conspires to upset the brain chemistry, and  this makes us clinically depressed. Sometimes a serious life tragedy becomes an integral part of how we begin opening up spiritually.

I suggest that you try and assess yourself  and see what category  or categories you feel your depression falls into. If it is the first, then go to your doctor and ask him to refer you to a psychiatrist. I say this because all too often GPs, who are not experts, as psychiatrists are, in the many different types of depressive disorders we can suffer from, just prescribe Prosac. And that may not be what is required. Here, make sure your psychiatrist is a human being kind of psychiatrist and not the type who pathologies everyone and everything and hands out  dangerous drugs to all and sundry  as if they were smarties.

 A good  psychiatrist will assess the seriousness of your condition and may  not  even put you on medication. He may suggest you do Cognitive Behaviour therapy or may even send you to someone like me. If you suffer from bi polar disorder,  however, then you have to be on medication. Many very eminent people who have had this disorder, have lived good  and productive lives, as a result.

If it is the second kind  of depression that is due to loss, you may just have to tough it out. If you feel  really suicidal, you might go to your GP and get a small amount of 'chemical help' just to tide you over for a month or so.   But try not to. And if you do,  don't see it as anything more than a very temporary crutch. What is  also important here, is that you surround yourself with  good friends, do things that comfort you, and  even try and help others, i.e.,  this gets you out of being overly morbid and just ruminating on your loss. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it and accept it, and when that happens, the depression will go. As regards the third kind, well try and get off your backside and do something, as the act of doing will reconnect you to the outer world ( and a lot of  our despair and depression is because we feel alienated and disconnected.) If it is hard to do this, try and get some help.

There are all sorts of social services available.  If it is the fourth kind of depression, well just stop for a moment  and look at the kind of life you lead and know that if you treat others like pigs,  that this is how you are going to feel! And if it is the last kind of depression, caused by spiritual emergence,  you need to remember that in order to get up into the spiritual light, you first have to go into your darkness, and that an integral part of our developing a genuine spirituality, is becoming conscious of our dark side or  what Jung called our Shadow. 

Remember: before Dante went up into Heaven, he first had to go down into Hell. Here, we might have to hang out in a pretty dark and dank  tunnel and  be prepared to wait until such a time as we will have sufficiently 'burned through' our negativity and thus should not try to distract ourselves and  do things to make ourselves feel better prematurely ! When the time is right, we will once more surface up into the light.

The key thing about all depressions is to get some kind of help.  Also, we need to stand outside  ourselves and say ' This is not who I am; this is only my depression talking!' So go to a counselor. Find a psychotherapist you trust. Go on a spiritual pilgrimage.   Do a lot of exercise. It produces more endorphins in the brain.

Perhaps, change things  about the way you live. A lot of our despair,  which can lead to depression, can  also  be caused by our living the life we think we should life, or that  perhaps  our parents or society  have said ' we ought to live', as opposed to how we  really want to live.  If we can  manage to live more  the way we really want to, then we should  try to do so. Many of the depressed clients that have come to see me for psychotherapy, became  increasingly 'un-depressed' after they stopped doing  a lot of the kinds of things that  they found 'pressed down' on them! I hope this is of some help.